Five Years

A lot of things have been going through my head. I have thought many times about what to post here. It has been 5 years today since we said hello and goodbye to our first child all at the same time. Our Babe B. was born sleeping at 5:49 PM on July 11, 2007 weighing in at 6 lbs. 12 ounces and 19.5 inches long. Had she grown anymore inside me she may have been my tallest baby and possibly my largest. Later we would find out that she and her brother share many similarities, from their identical left ears, to their round faces and their hair color (and amount although this is in debate). We held her in our arms for a short time, but we will hold her in our hearts forever. We have made sure that she is not forgotten and that our children know who she is/was! Many times lately, Jesstine will come to me and say, "Mommy, I miss Babe B. I wish I could have met her!" With a lump in my throat the size of an apple, I reply, "Me too!"

Even five years later, some things will surprisingly trigger memories of my sweet baby. This year it has been all of the back to school stuff (IN JULY!!!!!!!! *insert eye roll here*). Seemingly harmless. Except that this year, she would be starting Kindergarten. Not to mention, when I returned to teaching shortly after losing her, one of the hardest things for me to get past was crying upon entering a school building and interacting with students. I would never have that experience with my baby. My arms were so empty and so it seemed was my future (at the time). This made me dread looking to what today may possibly hold. I told myself it was okay to cry. I told myself it was understandable. Yet, I hold back tears. No explanation. Maybe I have cried them all out. Regardless, my heart still cries!

This year I sought out to make things different. As mentioned before, I hate how remembering Babe B. is mostly remembering the horror that we went through as we delivered a baby who would never open her eyes, breathe, cry, or move a muscle....dead. I remember feeling dirty the night we found out and I had to somehow get some sleep. I remember being afraid to touch my belly. I remember taking a shower and hoping I could wash the dread off of my naked body. I remember going from crying and depressed beyond belief to determined to remain strong and then back to crying. It was a roller coaster that didn't end until months after she had been put to rest in a small cemetery near where we live. At the age of 25, I was buying burial plots for myself, my husband and my child....Still surreal. Still a smack in the face.

Today, was meant to not be like that. Today was meant to show my children that having Babe B. in our lives, however short it was, was a blessing and we were going to rejoice that she was born into our family! Every year on her birthday, we have purchased a balloon for her. This year we got a balloon for her grave as well as a pinwheel (I actually purchased it last year and forgot about it), and five balloons, one for each year since her birth. I tied a little birthday card to each one and we sang happy birthday. Then we released the balloons. It was a fantastic way to remember our little sleeping baby! It was fantastic to hug my two living children and of course my husband afterward as well. I am so thankful to have met Babe B. even if only inside of me. I am so thankful that I have two healthy children to hug and cuddle as well. As we were leaving, Stephen and I embraced each other and I said, "I miss her SO much!" He said, "I do too. Probably not as much as you because you knew her better, but I miss her a lot too!" Then we headed to church to be with the family that helped us through our sorrow.

A photo and video of our celebration:

Happy Birthday Babe B.!! We love you to the moon and back!

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Jesstine and Emmitt